Just one more reason not to read Forbes...

Unquestioningly proving that they’re firmly entrenched in the old boys’ club, Forbes Magazine has recently published an article that takes a swipe at the progress women have made in their efforts to be self-sufficient, professional members of the labor force. This is NOT a dig on women who don’t work. In my book, the women’s movement and feminism give us the right to choose what we do, be it stay home or go to work. As long as it’s OUR CHOUICE, I don’t have any beefs. In fact, I have tremendous respect for women who stay home full time and I wish I could be one of them. Anyway, the article, entitled “Don’t Marry Career Women,” lists 9 reasons why working women are to be avoided. They are as follows:

You are less likely to get married to her. According to the article, “… (1) success in the labor market makes it harder for women to make a marital match, (2) women with relatively high wages and earnings search less intensively for a match, or (3) successful women have higher standards for an acceptable match than women who work less and earn less.” That’s right…don’t even date them because they’re not interested and you don’t meet their standards anyway. Way to beat them to the punch.

If you do marry, you’re more likely to get divorced. “Women's work hours consistently increase divorce, whereas increases in men's work hours often have no statistical effect.” Of course, this can’t be a social problem to be addressed, can it? How about the fact that the average woman who works full time still performs more hours of work around the house than an unemployed man? This is a fact, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor statistics. It can’t be that these women get sick and tired of doing more than their fair share, can it?

She is more likely to cheat on you. “The work environment provides a host of potential partners, and individuals frequently find themselves spending a great deal of time with these individuals.” Translation: don’t let them out of the house….working women are sex-starved from working long hours with no nookie and are actively looking for the next best thing. What about the men in this scenario? This is GOOD news for them…they no longer have to pay expensive bar bills to find people to cheat with.

You are much less likely to have kids. “Most women want kids,” but career women don’t seem to have time. And what good is a woman without a child? How will we continue to grow the ranks of The Party, otherwise? Unless, of course, she is screwing around on you with a coworker(see one paragraph up) in which case, she will have kids but YOU won’t.

If you do have kids, you wife is more likely to be unhappy. This is confusing, since we have just learned that most women want kids. But apparently, “wealthier couples with children suffer a drop in marital satisfaction three times as great as their less affluent peers.” Still….it must be the kids. Can’t be all the “keeping up with the Joneses” materialism that modern families face, can it?

Your house will be dirtier. “If your wife has a job earning more than $15 an hour, she will do 1.9 hours less housework a week.” Here’s my solution: GET OFF YOUR ASS AND HELP OUT. Don’t just decide that it’s not work getting married. Who would do all your whousework then? A maid? Or move back in with your mommy so she can fold your whitie tighties just right and cut your PB & J into little triangles with the crusts cut off.

You’ll be unhappy if she makes more than you. “Married men's well-being is significantly lower when married women's proportional contributions to the total family income are increased.” That’s right…if she doesn’t need you for your money then she won’t want you for anything else. After all, she’s already having sex with her co-workers.

She will be unhappy if she makes more than you. “American wives, even wives who hold more feminist views about working women and the division of household tasks, are typically happier when their husband earns 68% or more of the household income.” My take: this is probably because all the whiners from the scenario above won’t shut up with their paranoia and complexes about not being the big man around the house. Of course we’re happier when they’re happier. Duh.

You are more likely to fall ill. “Having a wife who works more than 40 hours a week has substantial, statistically significant, negative effects on changes in her husband's health over that time span.” Must be the lack of cleaning…imagine all the bacteria and fungi that build up year after year. They are probably more statistically likely to get the plague. Or HIV and genital warts from their cheating wives. The article also says, “wives working longer hours not do not have adequate time to monitor their husband's health and healthy behavior, to manage their husband's emotional well-being or buffer his workplace stress. “ Because that’s our job…to monitor his health…buffer his stress. As far as I’m concerned, this is just another form of Darwinism. If they’re so frail as to need somebody to monitor their health, then we should probably just eliminate them from the herd. And if they won’t go to the doctor on their own, that’s their problem. Oh…and if we are to buffer their stress…who will buffer ours?

And the article manages to drive in one more stunning slam against working women: “To be clear, we're not talking about a high-school dropout minding a cash register. For our purposes, a ‘career girl’ has a university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year.” The rest of them, apparently, don’t have careers. The woman who works over 60 hours per week at two minimum-wage jobs to make sure her kids are fed and babies have diapers…they don’t count. Apparently that’s not a career. I guess maybe it’s just survival. That’s undignified that they don’t even merit consideration. Who would want to marry them anyway?

What a crock of shit.