Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Lists

When I first found out I was pregnant, I TiVo’d a show on Discovery Health called “Birth Day.” It chronicled the birth process for various women in various situations. People kept telling me I shouldn’t watch because it would just scare me, but I had an intense curiosity and needed to see it over and over again. Then, one day, I decided to quit watching it because I wasn’t sure if I cried every time because I was touched or because I was just scared witless.

Recently, I have enjoyed watching “Supernanny” on ABC. It’s not the greatest show, but there’s a part of me that enjoys watching the terrible parents struggle with the outrageous little monster-children the created (see “Word of the Day” entry, below). I also like watching them get dressed down by Jo, who is always kind but honest with them. However, last night I watched an episode about a family of three boys that was absolutely insanely out of control. It made me wonder if, perhaps, I should stop watching “Supernanny” because it’s scaring me witless again.

Here is a list of things I can no longer do since I have become pregnant and, following, a list of things I still can do. I decided to take an inventory but I’m sure I forgot several things from both lists.

I Cannot:
-Make it through one single day without spilling food on my clothing
-Make it through a day without walking into/tripping over something
-Make it through a night without waking up to go to the bathroom and/or have a snack
-Remember something that happened 24 hours ago (at the very most)
-Construct a sentence entirely comprised of real words
-Tie my shoes without worrying about possibly vomiting
-Ingest caffeine (I have decided that chocolate doesn’t count)
-Sit through an entire movie at the theatre without squirming
-Sit through a Hallmark commercial without crying

I Can:
-Climb ladders at work to replace light bulbs, retrieve boxes of toner, etc.
-Carry heavy items (such as fax machines and vacuum cleaners) around the office
-Crawl on the floor under my desk and take my computer apart
-Sleep at any point during the day including at my desk during my lunch break or while waiting on hold with vendors
-Irrationally demand compliance with asinine requests
-Wear pants big enough to house a village of pygmies

-Explain with perfect logic why I should be allowed to carry a rocket launcher in my car specifically to use on people who cut me off anf/or who do not use turn signals.

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