Scene: My office, 1 p.m. One of the secretaries had just told me there is somebody named “Long Distance” on hold.
Me: Hello, this is Sarah; may I help you?
Crazy Lady: Hi. This is [Crazy Lady]. I just got the receipt you sent me and it’s missing a lot of stuff!
Me: (Dread seeping into my stomach. I know this voice. Oh boy do I know this voice. It haunts my dreams.) I’m so sorry. I do remember the pickup (because all the stuff was so shitty that we couldn’t keep any of it and had to throw it ALL away. And because you called me a lot. Like ten times. And you don’t shut up. And you’re INSANE.). Can you tell me what you think is missing?
Crazy Lady: Like everything! The sofa and the chairs and a stool and a microwave. None of it’s on the receipt!
Me: I remember our conversations (how could I forget – you’re freaking nuts!) I remember in our conversations that all we spoke of only baby furniture. We weren’t supposed to pick up any regular furniture.
Crazy Lady: Yes you were! I called you back! I swear I did! I called you and asked if I should make a list and you told me not to bother (which I would NEVER do. EVER.). I need my receipt for tax purposes!
Me: (Wondering what other purposes there might be. Wallpaper? Target practice? Kindling?) Well, I would be happy to send you a receipt covering the rest of the items if you’ll just list them for me (because, at this point, I have talked to more in the last month than I have my own mother and I will do just about anything to get rid of you!).
Crazy Lady: But you were supposed to (muffled yelling away from the phone to somebody else)…I’m sorry, you caught me at a really bad time! (CLICK…the receiver hangs up)
ME: (Thinking to myself that SHE called ME and wondering what the hell just happened.)