Thursday, July 28, 2005

First conversation of the day with my boss...

(And I do literally mean the first words. No "Hello" or "Good morning." She goes right for the attack and avoids any niceties.)

Her: “I’m here to complain.”
Me: “Oh?”
Her: “Yeah. You parked crooked in the parking lot and took up, like, 4 extra feet of space and now there isn’t room for another car to park in that lot.”
Me: “Oh…I’m really sorry. I must not have even noticed. Usually I’m very aware of those things and straighten up.”
Her: “Don’t apologize. You don’t have to apologize. It’s just that I hate people like you who take up all the space in the lot. You see, if people park right, we can fit 5 cars in that lot. But when you park crooked then I have to park crooked and now there’s no room for the 5th car. Do you understand? It just bugs me! Now only 4 cars will fit there!”
Me: (Dies of embarrassment/shame…then gets pissed)

Because, truly (and you can ask Owen) I am always very aware of unfair parking practices and I always straighten up. So I went to the lot to move my car and I couldn’t even tell how it is that I parked crooked. For one, I parked parallel to the car next to me. And, secondly, even when I stood at the back of my car and looked at it, I still couldn’t tell how it was crooked. It sure as hell wasn’t taking up any 4 fricking feet of space! So what did I do? I moved it….to the street. (I know….so passive-aggressive. But being spiteful makes me feel better.)

Incidentally: This is why it is my primary goal each and every day to go the entire day without speaking even a single word to her.

2 comments:

Andrew Andrew said...

"It's just that I hate people like you..."
Wow. Classy.

Amy, Amy Bo Bamie Banana Fana Fo Famie Fe Fi Fo Mayme Amy said...

See, I think you should consider changing the subtitle of your page to "Giving the world the evil eye via the written word." - To be honest, this is ripped off, but just a little bit - only the "via the written word" is, but, in all fairness, this is a blog. You have no audio streem. Written word is it.

Also, Velveeta isn't cheese. It is a cheese food product, a chip and dip substrate, if you will.

Next, I was totally bummed I did not make your list of heros. I, after all, did not kill you when you cut off my dolly's hair. Granted, you did replace her, but still, it was 18 years later.

Finally, a thought about being a kid again. As much as kid-hood could be fun - beware: being a kid again will mean that you have to be a teenager again. That sucked.

Also, you should consider publishing more entries about the anal glands of animals. Not just skunks. Perhaps a cat. Go crazy.