(And I do literally mean the first words. No "Hello" or "Good morning." She goes right for the attack and avoids any niceties.)
Her: “I’m here to complain.”
Her: “Yeah. You parked crooked in the parking lot and took up, like, 4 extra feet of space and now there isn’t room for another car to park in that lot.”
Me: “Oh…I’m really sorry. I must not have even noticed. Usually I’m very aware of those things and straighten up.”
Her: “Don’t apologize. You don’t have to apologize. It’s just that I hate people like you who take up all the space in the lot. You see, if people park right, we can fit 5 cars in that lot. But when you park crooked then I have to park crooked and now there’s no room for the 5th car. Do you understand? It just bugs me! Now only 4 cars will fit there!”
Me: (Dies of embarrassment/shame…then gets pissed)
Because, truly (and you can ask Owen) I am always very aware of unfair parking practices and I always straighten up. So I went to the lot to move my car and I couldn’t even tell how it is that I parked crooked. For one, I parked parallel to the car next to me. And, secondly, even when I stood at the back of my car and looked at it, I still couldn’t tell how it was crooked. It sure as hell wasn’t taking up any 4 fricking feet of space! So what did I do? I moved it….to the street. (I know….so passive-aggressive. But being spiteful makes me feel better.)
Incidentally: This is why it is my primary goal each and every day to go the entire day without speaking even a single word to her.