"Look Honey! Magic beans!"

This year, among the other goodies in my stocking, I was lucky enough to receive a Magic Sproutz Secret Fortune in my stocking. It’s a can filled with a dirt-like substance (that is sort of sparkly for some mysterious reason) that you water once a week in the hopes that a plant will sprout and reveal a secret fortune.

I decided to take mine to work and put it on my windowsill there because it gets more sunlight than any at home. I followed the instructions, watering my can about once a week. Now, according to the can, the message should appear “after about a week.” Granted, sunshine is pretty hard to come by up here this time of year, so I can’t really fault them for the fact that it took a month.

Eventually it did sprout, and yet there was no magical appearance of any secret message. “Maybe I have to wait for the leaves to come out,” I thought to myself. Nope…the leaves came out and the bean began to turn some rotty brown color.

Yesterday, I was giving it a close inspection, trying to determine whether I ought to just toss it, as the brown bean thing is pretty gross looking when lo and behold, there is my message! It is a smudgy, burnt-looking thing that says (drum roll….) “long life.”

Um…I beg your pardon? “Long life?” How is that to be in any way, shape or form construed as a “fortune” exactly? It consists of exactly one noun (life) and one modifier (long). Though it makes the cut as a “phrase” on a technicality (it would be a noun phrase), it does not even qualify as a freaking clause, for crying out loud! It’s just a noun! “Long life” what? I will have one? What about them? Do they suck because everybody dies before you? Are they awesome? What is my WHOLE message? What kernel of knowledge am I totally missing here? Oh the agony…

Damn Owen and his magic beans…